Breaking-- (RNN) Rosen News Service: The GOP is "Hard Up" For More Than Votes


(RNN) The GOP Is Hard Up For More Than Votes--

(The following breaking story, possibly real, is unverified, unsourced, and thoroughly unbelievable, but in a perfect world should nevertheless be headline material) 

September 21, 2022

As a friend pointed out earlier today, we have the seemingly odd and incongruous fact (One of the few in this article) of "Christian" nationalist Marjorie Taylor Greene committing "en flagrante" adultery with her Tantric sex guru from her gym. (wondering what the name of it is...the "Go Flex Yourself Gym--Cross Fit, Not Cross Dress") And speaking of Gyms, there is the sordid case of Congressman Jordan to wrestle with as well.  Then you have Biker Bar chick and Congresswoman Lauren Boebert marrying a flasher/public masturbator, (maybe why she's aiming for the position of "House Whip") and Matt Gaetz, (now sadly an incel because his new wife doesn't accept Venmo, only cash) soon facing indictment. And I'm not even going to even mention outgoing Congressman and future lingerie model Madison Cawthorne, who still remains uninvited to the GOP's DC orgy circuit. It seems there is a pattern here, if I'm not reading too much into these things. 



I might add:

The Evangelical leadership of the majority Trumpian Southern Baptist Convention is under full investigation and facing civil suits related to systemic sexual abuse of their employees, members, and Sunday School students. Apparently they broke their own rule prohibiting having sex standing up, because it might have led to dancing. The anti- abortion fanatics of the right-wing Catholic leadership are still embroiled in decades long exposes regarding sexual abuse by Priests which were covered up, and still ongoing. Some of them have been putting on the wrong kinds of collars during their down time.

And of course the Falwell family backed Liberty University has replaced their course in Theology 101 with Sexology 2 on 1, and offered field studies for Pool Boy Science as an elective.  Or, as you've heard, Republican financiers like Trump buddy Patrick Byrne and GOP PAC officials were caught shtupping a female Russian spy,  Maria Butina. (clearly she explained to them the nuanced Russian/English translation of her boss's name, Put-In) And finally, the aspiring Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee (or next GOP Attorney General) Lindsey Graham can't locate his Fall wardrobe because his closet is so overcrowded. 

So, if we haven't omitted anything crucial, very uncoincidentally these are the people accusing Mickey, Minnie and Goofy of grooming children for sex. They are launching an Inquisition against the "woke," while in most of their spare time they "poke." For politicians and religious leaders who are constantly involved in having so much sex, they sure are preoccupied with sex. 

One might think that instead of banning abortion and birth control, preaching abstinence and conversion therapy, or banning sex education, these nymphoMAGAiacs might just try to keep their pants on, and their horny politics on hold, (or hold onto something else) and practice a little abstinence themselves. Or, just admit that they are sex addicts and get treated, then take a few cold showers. (Steve Bannon gets a pass on that, since he is apparently allergic to soap and water) 

But they should, for the love of the God they never believed in, stay TF out of education and stop projecting their childhood Disney sexual fetishes onto the rest of the American population. Get some help, or get laid for crissakes. 

This was a public service announcement. If you know of any Republicans considering committing a sex crime, dial our toll-free help line, 1-800-stolen-erection. Thank you.

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