A July Fourth Bedtime Story...A Conversation Which We Are Pretty Sure Happened, August 10th, 1776--

A July Fourth Bedtime Story...A Conversation Which We Are Pretty Sure Happened, August 10th, 1776--

From The Rosen Museum Of Unnatural History

(A messenger delivers a letter to Lord Frederick North, Prime Minister of Britain-- )

LN: (reading) Oh! Mmmmhmmm. Uhh...oh no, dear me, drats! This is terrible, awful! I must away to see the King. 

Courtier: He'll see you now your Lordship.

KG3: (swinging his golf club) Whaaaat, waddya' want, can't you see I'm busy, spit it out Prime Boy. 

LN: Uhhhnn, Your Highness, uh, we seem to have a slight tiff which has sprung up over across the pond which is a bit more than the usual trifle. How might I best explain?

KG3: You're on the clock asshole, let's have it, and cut it out with this "Your Highness" crap, just call me "Third." 

LN: Yes Your....oh, sorry, "Third." Well, we received a rather disturbing letter from the colonies today, and it seems that they've, uh, left. 

KG3: Left? What the fuck does that mean? 

LN: Well, they've apparently split, flown the coop, bailed out, served notice, left the firm. They are just...gone. They've told you to take your job and shove it....Your Highness, Sir, er, Third. They have...(deep breath) issued a declaration of independence. I have a copy for you to read, right here. . 

KG3: Great, just great. More bullshit. You know, I'm so stressed out these days that I'm pissing green urine, are you happy you idiot?  Now, tell me all about how YOU guys fucked everything up, and read me that thing. I have no time for reading anyway. 

LN: Yes, Your Thirdship. "When in the course of human events...

KG3: Stop! Just stop, spare me the flowery intro for crissakes get to the meat of it, what's their beef already?

LN: Well, apparently they think that all men are created equal, and are endowed by the Creator with inalienable rights. 

KG3: Oh yeah? Well, that's news to me. What "rights"? 

LN: (fumbling with letter, hands shaking) They have a short list here, it includes Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness. 

KG3: (screaming) What garbage! They didn't even mention Property. What a bunch of leftist communist garbage! 

LN: Communist Sir?

KG3: Yeah, communist. You know, Marxism, Karl Marx. 

LN: I'm sorry to say Sir, he hasn't been born yet. Shall I proceed?

KG3: (deep sigh) yeah yeah, go ahead. 

LN: To summarize, they rather arbitrarily assert that government is instituted by the consent of the governed, and that when any form of government is destructive of those ends, the people have the right to alter or abolish it. 

KG3: Treason, heresy, rebellion! Tell you what Mr. Prime fucking Minister, I want the War Minister and Cabinet on the phone right now... 

LN: Phone Sir?

KG3: No, forget that, get them in here for a meeting in a secure room. The Privy, get them into the Privy, and get some people in there first to move those boxes outta there so there's room, got it? Now, keep going. 

 LN: Yes Thirdship. They go on to discuss their suffering under your "despotism," then state that they've been patient, and claim to be victims of "injuries, abuses and usurpations" by you. They have a list Sir. 

KG3: Of course they have a list, because it's all made up lies. Everybody is a victim and they're all trying to get something for nothing. This is extortion, blackmail even. I think the Rothschilds are behind it. 

LN: Uh Sir, some of them are our partners, moving their Banks here in the near future. No, Sir, it's just them, the Americans, and of course the French will likely join in at some point. 

KG3: Fucking frogs! Goddammit, how much are they paying us to keep my people there to protect Louis, that ungrateful bastard? Remind me to demand more out of them or I'll pull them all out!

LN: Sir, we have a meeting to prepare for. The letter? The list?

KG3: Ok, alright already, give me the bad stuff. 

LN: To proceed, again, in summary, they say you refuse to assent to laws which are wholesome and necessary for the public good. They say you are refusing to listen to the governors who want to enact these laws. They accuse you of calling legislatures into sessions at odd and uncomfortable places distant and at all hours and days in order to disrupt and divert them from important business. They are quite upset that when they object to your "invasion" of their deliberations that you dissolve these governing bodies. 

KG3: How much more of this shit is there "Fredo"? 

LN: Quite a bit, "Thirdo." You've cancelled elections, blocked the naturalization of foreigners, deliberately driven up land prices to block expansion, obstructed justice by refusing to assent to laws establishing judiciary powers, you installed bought and paid for judges who are dependent on you for their salaries, and you've created new offices and swarms of new officers to harass them and steal the public's money. You've kept standing armies in peacetime without their consent, independent of civil power. You've violated...

KG3: Are you almost finished? You sound like you're really enjoying this. Just giving you a "heads up," before your head's off, know what I mean, Freddie Bean, hahaha!

LN: ...yes Your Thirdness. According to them, you've violated their constitutions and their laws, enacted your own legislation, forced them to quarter our soldiers in their homes without consent, and used mock trials to protect those soldiers when they commit murder; you've cut off their trade, taxed them without their consent, deprived them of trial by jury, transported them overseas for trial for false offenses, installed governments, abolished English laws and redrawn boundaries, taken away charters and laws, changed their governments, suspended legislation; in addition...

KG3: (screaming again) of course there's more, just let it rip for fucks sake.

LN: ...sending mercenaries to conduct war against them, plundered the seas, ravaged their coasts, burned their towns, kidnapped citizens on the high seas and forced them to fight against their countrymen, INCITED INSURRECTION, and incited Indians to massacre them. 

KG3: Anything else? (Looking at his hourglass) 

LN: Yes Your Thirdness. They called you a....a tyrant, Sir.

KG3: (pensive, a full minute passes) This is a witch hunt. The worst against anyone of all time. They did this to Jesus you know Freddy. 

LN: Sir? 

KG3: Look buster, I did all of this, and I'm proud of it. I'm the fucking King, and I can do anything I want. You heard about "Divine Right," right? I could cut up the Magna fucking Carta with King Arthur's Excalibur in Trafalgar Square if I felt like it. That's why I'm "The Third!" You have to kick some asses to run an empire. Now look, I want every asshole who signed this leftist piece of trash arrested, today! I want them shot, then hung, then guillotined. I want their heads brought to me and put on pikes on London Bridge. Then, you and I need to pull together a list of some of their buddies who are weak, who we can turn. Everybody has a price, and they'll all deal in the end, right? They need money, and we're the only ones with real money, silver and gold, all they have is continental scrip, funny money worth zip, nada, zilch. 

LN: Zilch, Sir?

KG3: You know what mean, you idiot. 

LN: You hired me Sir.

KG3: And you're fired! But not yet, I need you to do me a little favor first. I want you to write a response to this commie manifesto and put it out as a statement. 

LN: How might we do that, Your Thirdness? 

KG3: Put it out through my town criers group, "Third Social."  Here, write this down... all in caps.

TODAY, THE DEMENTIA CASES RUNNING THE WORST WITCHUNT AGAINST ANY KING IN HISTORY HAVE LAUNCHED A TREESONUS ATTACK ON GOD, BY ANNOUNCING THEY ARE LEAVING OUR BEAUTIFUL GLORIOUS EMPIRE. LED BY THE GODLESS GROUP OF GEORGE HATING PSYCHOS FRANKLIN, JEFFERSON, AND WASHINGTON, THEY HAVE SLANDERED AND ACCUSED ME OF TYRANNY, WHILE THEY ARE TAKING MONEY FOR THEIR COMMIE REVOLUSHUN FROM JEWISH BANKERS LIKE ROBERT MORRIS AND HAYM SOLOMON TO PUSH SOCIALISM, TO KILL JESUS AGAIN, STEEL YOUR CHILDREN FUTURES, AND MAYBE EVEN SOMEDAY FREE YOUR SLAVES. THEY EVEN WANT OPEN BORDERS TO FLOOD THE COLONIES WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS, AND LET THEM VOTE IN ERECTIONS. ALL OF MY SUBJECTS MUST RISE UP AND FIGHT LIKE HELL. RALLY AT THE TOWER ON THURSDAY, IT WILL BE WILD.

...and Freddy, don't you change a fucking word. This Empire is mine. Haha. 

LN: Of course it is Your Thirdness. Would it be alright to run along now, we have to empty the Privy room in time for our meeting. 

KG3: Yeah, sure. And one more thing. Get the Court artists to do up a bunch of portraits of me in full battle uniform and sell them to my stupid-ass subjects who love me so much. I'm gonna need the money.

*A Note: every single aspect of this eventful meeting, the conversations, the historical context, and the individuals involved is verifiably true and verbatim, as documented by credible historical sources, archival material, correspondence, eyewitness accounts, and according to Diaries in which this conversation was recorded for posterity. Unfortunately, all of this source material was eaten by the dog of my former neighbor, and I have no access to any of it. You'll have to take my word for it, that it happened exactly this way. Thank you.