White House Accuses Putin Of "Photoshopping" Fake Abs In Propaganda Stunt.--



In a barely concealed and pathetic attempt to project Russian power and military readiness, Vladimir Putin took a page from his favorite Western celebrities the Kardashians, and released photos today with his appearance digitally altered. 

White House sources such as Press Secretary Jen Psaki (who wish to remain anonymous and off the record) have leaked previously classified photos of Putin which display his actual naked torso, not the ones released in Russian State Media today. What they showed was an obvious Beer belly, which has up until now been carefully hidden by prosthetics. 

"There's no way those are his abs," said Psaki, still wishing to remain anonymous. "Our sources tell us that since he was dumped by his latest mistress last year, he's been depressed and has really let himself go". "He stopped playing Ice Hockey, Horseback riding, and Bear hunting, and even canceled his Judo classes with American actor Steven Seagal. He and Steven just send out for Domino's now, and Putin is actually starting to physically resemble the washed up action star," said Psaki off the record on background. 

"Look, this is just a propaganda stunt to fire up his frontline soldiers before they invade". "He wants his men to do crunches and get fit, so they look good on camera and don't make him look bad". 

Fox strategic analyst Tucker Carlson immediately took to the air to denounce the report, and made the following statement--

"I can personally attest to the authenticity of these photos of my dear friend Vlad", said Carlson. I met with him recently, and had the good fortune of personally placing my hands on his torso, and I can tell you that it is rock hard...just like I was rock hard," said Carlson in the Russian State Media English language Fox broadcast. "I know where these accusations and fake photos of "Fat Vlad" come from" he said. "These digitized photos were made by Black filmmaker and Antifa financier Spike Lee, in an attempt to desexualize the world's leading symbol of white male virility, Vladimir Putin, as part of their plot to limit white birthrates through disinformation". "We will see how Vladimir's Second Amendment supporters in the United States decide to "deal with" Black media figures like Lee after we...oops, the Republicans gain back their majority" said the unhinged Carlson. 

When asked for comment, President Biden said flatly, "honestly, what I want to know is who is the stupid Media Son of a Bitch that is going with this story"? Could you guys just knock it off"? 

We will have more updates on the actual State of Putin's abs after the Super Bowl, when everyone can start to concentrate again. Signing off.

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