The Secret Actual And Possibly Real Transcript Of The Biden/Putin Video Call--



JB: Ok Tony, Victoria, I'm ready. Is he on? 

AB: In a minute Sir, he's just coming out of make-up right now.

JB: Fine, does he at least have his shirt on this time? (Room breaks out in guffaws) 

AB: Ok Sir, here he is.

VP: Joe, boychick, how hangs your thing?

JB: Oh no, not again...look, Vlad, this is serious, could you please not try to do American hip slang expressions this one time? 

VP: Ok Ok, little touchy today Joe. Polls not look too good lately, yes? 

JB: Well, at least our pollsters aren't either on my payroll or in Gulags...Vlaaaad. 

VP: Whoaa, dude, chill, you not only one with headaches. So, what's this big warning you have  to scare me with, big guy?

JB: C'mon Vlad, you really have to go with the attitude now? Fine, here it is. I want you to pull out. I know you have two wives and six mistresses, and about 24 unacknowledged kids, so pulling out won't exactly come natural to you, but it has to be done. 

VP: That cheap shot Joe, I very upset. 

JB: You get what you give.

VP: Ok Joe, I got off on your feet wrongly, let's start over.

JB: (JB hits mute button, covers Webcam with yellow sticky note while White House Situation Room explodes in rollicking laughter) 

Look Vlad, (cleaning Glasses after wiping his eyes) let me tell you what we are going to do if you go into Ukraine. You are going to be hit with never before conceivable sanctions. We will confiscate or freeze over 200 billion dollars of your personal assets. We will use asset forfeiture laws we have on the books for the Mafia to seize the properties of Russian Oligarchs and their partners in the US. We will get Europe and other countries which are markets for your energy to boycott you until you remove your forces. We will arrange for the World Court in the Hague to indict you for launching aggressive war and ethnic cleansing, and prepare to try you like we did Milosevic. We will demand that our Saudi allies and other OPEC countries massively increase Oil production to collapse the Price per barrel and wipe out your biggest source of foreign exchange. I have quite a long list here Vlad, should I keep going? 

VP: Wow Joe, that impressive, didn't know you had it in you guy. Should have known, you got those way cool sunglasses, like Peter Fonda in Easy Rider, one of my favorites. 

JB: What do you have to say Vlad? And don't be a wise guy.

VP: Well, it like this Joe...you have no idea how much personal money I have or where it at. You seize every bit you know about, I still in good shape. We have China and India as Markets, that's four billion people with governments that don't give flying fuck what you say. We sell weapons and military equipment all over world. I sell AK's to your "Freedom Caucus" for Christmas for their kids. So, sanctions not scare me too much Joe, we got lots hot irons in fire, haha. Like your "Dirty Harry" say, "go ahead, make my day"!

JB: (Aside to Blinken) "Tony, should I tell him the other thing"? 

AB: Afraid there's no choice Sir. 

JB: Alright Vlad, I didn't want to have to resort to this, but you remember you made me do this. 

VP: Ok Joe, hit me with best shot.

JB: Vlad...we've already taken steps to cancel your Netflix account, and Bezos has just informed me that your Amazon deliveries have been suspended indefinitely. 

VP: .........(Long silence) 

JB: Hello Vlad, are you there? 

VP: Da!! Matushkafuck Amerikansky, you serious? 

JB: Dead serious Vlad. 

VP: Joe, I just order Camo for Bear hunting trip, just pants no shirt. At least I get refund? 

JB: I think you know what you have to do to make things right Vlad. 

VP: You push me too far now. Anatoly!!! (his aide) Get me Tucker Carlson on phone, tell him I ready for interview now.

JB: What? You are playing the Fox News card again? You gonna call your  "Big Baby" in Mar-a-Lago and tell him to run again? C'mon Vlad, instead of throwing a fit, try and show a little dignity, will you? Act like a statesman for a change.

VP: I don't want Ukraine in NATO. And I want my Netflix back, I bingeing on "The Crown" right now.

JB: Tell you what Vlad. I'm a fair guy, and we can be flexible on some things. We'll restart your Netflix if you agree to keep negotiating with us on the NATO thing, send your diplomats back to Brussels, and have your forces on the border stand down. And we'll see what we can do to deal with your other, uhhhh....fears. (Situation Room again breaks out in huge guffaws) 

VP: Ok, but what about my Camo order. It is 511 Tactical gear, can't get that here.

JB: Tony, can we arrange that for Vlad?

AB: Yes sir, I think so. 

JB: Alright everyone, if we are all agreed, can we reconvene here in 48 hours? (Heads nod) Ok, good. Anything else Vlad?

VP: Yes, just got off phone with Joe Manchin, very nice guy. He gonna give you call about your economic Bill. I'm sure you'll enjoy. Ok, got to go, dosvyedanya tovarich. 

JB: (under his breath) Bastard. Told ya',  he's got no soul.

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