This Week's Telephone Talks between Biden and Putin. The "October Surprise" Edition--




This Week's Telephone Talks between Biden and Putin. The "October Surprise" Edition-


AB: Blinken here, talk to me....WHAT, he wants to talk now? It's four am dammit. Ahhh, alright let me go get him. (Three minutes later)  Mr. President, it's Vlad on the Phone, says it's important. 

JB: Did he use the Red Phone, You know what time it is, right? Better be important.


AB: No sir, apparently he called the White House switchboard because his contact list was wiped out by a twelve year old hacker from MIT. He was pretty lit anyway, then the operator put him on hold for forty minutes with Swan Lake playing as background. This is gonna be ugly... Sir.

JB: (Big Presidential sigh) ok, put him through, and get somebody up here with coffee, like now.  Hello! Vlad, it's me, what's going on at this time of the night?


VP: Oh, it very bad Joe, I extreme upset, I going so much to Pee on you is awful. 

JB:, Uhhh, what? 


VP: hold, wait second please....(sound of pages ruffling) Oh, sorry Joe, I still mix up my American idioms, guess I not "woke" yet. I mean, I'm very pissed off at you, you hurt my feelings. 

JB: Oh. Uhhhh, ok, what did I do to upset you Vlad? How did I hurt the feelings that you never had? 


VP:  Very funny Joe, you crabby when got wake up at night, Jill must sleep upstairs a lot.. So, is about you spread big deal dezinformatsia, your people tell everyone I reduce natural gas shipments to Europe to rig prices, use as blackmail threat. Is not true, why you say this thing? 

JB: Ah, that's all it is. When you said you are going to Pee on me I thought you got another call from your Big Baby again, complaining about the Steele Report, since he interviewed today. By the way, is your Orange guy still calling you about Steele's Pee Tape story and asking you to borrow a cup of Novichuk to get rid of him? 


VP: No, he only ask one time, but I tell him it not work, Steele only Brit at MI-6 not like Tea. But back to my feelings, I on phone all day with Germans, Macron and Boris Johnson, they believe your bullshitski. I have CSNBC interview with American Babe reporter, this Gas thing all she ask about. And she not give me her number, shoot me down two times. Is humiliating.

JB: Well, look Vlad, my people tell me different, and frankly you don't have the best track record at being truthful with me. 


VP: Whoaaaa, dude, you really en fuego today, no? You feel me Joe? 

Joe: Vlad! Are we doing this again? My translator just laughed so hard that she's afraid her water broke, would you please speak normally or in fucking Russian so we can get somewhere? It's late. What, for fucks sake do you want? 


VP: I am calling to tell you I quitting NATO. 

JB:  ...........(30 seconds of dead air) 


VP: Joe...hello, you fall back to sleep Joe? 

JB:  (huge deep breath, starts fingering his Rosary beads. Calmly...) No Vlad, I'm here. First, can I be so helpful as to humbly remind you that Russia is not a NATO member? I'm a little confused that you would call me at 4 am to inform me that you are resigning from an organization to which you do not belong. And also you must be aware from your childhood memories that NATO was founded as an alliance against you. Not personally of course, but against the Soviet Union. You remember them, yes? 


VP: Of course I remember. They screw me on wages for years, give best years of my life, I work for nothing. No, I mean Russia diplomatic Mission to NATO. I tell them all come home to Matushka Rus, have nice Sauna and drink decent Japanese Vodka for a change. They not go back to Brussels. And if you try invite us back, I say "Big yikes" like kids on Tik Tok. (Pause) Hey! What that clicking sound? 

JB:  Beads Vlad, just beads. Ok, let me see if I understand your concerns. You are jacking up Natural Gas prices to Europe by reducing the supply, in order to extort them to meet your demands to complete your Pipeline deal, but you are upset that everyone knows what you are doing and you blame me. You are butt hurt because one of our best, and in your view our hottest female journalist rebuffed your advances during a live TV interview. You are announcing to me and the world that you are quitting the Western Military and political alliance to which you do not belong, and which is in fact your adversary. But now we know that you are simply pulling a PR stunt and breaking off communications with NATO to scare us. And you are personally offended that I will not encourage you in your lame attempts to practice with me the newest woke expressions of American slang. Does that about cover it? 


VP: Why you dragging me Joe? I ready to throw hands. 

JB: Vlad. Just chill. Ready for it, I'm down too!


VP: No Cap. Bet. (Both break up in uncontrolled laughing fit, translator leaves room abruptly)

JB: (struggling to catch his breath)


Both: (in unison) I'm dead! (Another round of belly laughing, Biden's Dog Major gets up and leaves in disgust) 


 JB: Oh, fucking Hell. Now c'mon Vlad, seriously, what are we gonna do? You have to have someone over there talking to NATO, then we can address your case of butthurt, er, concerns. You can't just walk out like that, ok? Send somebody back, would ya? 


VP: How about Rudy, he call me every week now looking for billable hours, can use the work. 

JB: Please Vlad, stop! Who else?


VP: I got Judo partner, is actor, speak perfect English, he live here now. Name Steven Seagal. You know him, he perfect guy. 

JB: Yeah, I remember him, Under Siege, Exit Wounds. Kinda washed up right? I hear VanDamme kicked his ass. You think he'd be any good? 


VP: Is like all my people. Just a body. Be fine. But one more thing Joe. You retract story on our Gas price, maybe I do something nice for you. 

JB: Okaaaaay. I'm listening. 


VP: My State Energy Minister get phone call last week, was asked to sell Donbas Region Coal Mines in Ukraine to private investor in US with money from offshore. Caller also offer bonus for information, ask for Kompromat on your AOC, Bernie Sanders, and Green New Deal people. 

JB: Yeah, so what? 


VP: Call come from West Virginia....

JB: Vlad, "I think this just might be the start of a beautiful friendship". 


VP: Casablanca!  My favorite ever, I cry like baby at end every time. I can't even...

JB: Ok, ok. I think we have a framework now going forward. Now, can we talk next week to follow up? I have to get up in an hour to meet with the Pope. He says he wants me to hear HIS Confession, can you believe it? 


VP: I believe nothing and nobody Joe. But you already know that. So, anyway, gotta roll, hangin' with the fam today. 

JB: K. That slaps. Later dude. 


VP: Yeet.

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