Going A Little Nuts In Lockdown--First Edition of "Cracked Headlines" --Not "The Onion"

 Since I'm still stuck here in Lockdown after a week of Snow, I am going a little nuts. That gives rise to an uncontrollable urge for me to drive other people nuts. It's a Jewish thing, this is how we get even.

So I'm starting yet another Facebook thing, "Cracked Headlines, Not The Onion" . I'm reviewing the News for stories which you might think are fake because the Headlines are so deranged, you wonder if the editorial staffs are passing around Hash Brownies in Mushroom Sauce in their daily meetings. But the headlines and stories are actually quite real. The subtext is mostly mine. Let me know if you think it's annoying, over the top, offensive, or too much, and I'll double down and do more of it. Thanks.
Cracked Headlines, (not "The Onion") Feb 19, 2021
MSNBC--
"Alaska Woman Using Outhouse Bitten By Bear From Below" --
The Bear, interviewed later apologized but said he was tired of Bears being gaslighted by humans all the time. "Of course, we shit in the woods, but sometimes we just want to try something else, you know?"
New York Times--
"Pandemic Probably Cause of Hair Loss"--
Does Donald Trump count as part of the Pandemic? I've lost more hair in the last four years than in the previous 39.
The Guardian--
"Workers Clear Disgusting 'Fatberg' from London Sewer, Weight of Small Bungalow"--
Usually a buildup of grease and non-biodegradeable waste, workers found Prince Andrew's correspondence, foto albums and Airline receipts to the Virgin Islands embedded in the center of the blockage. Breaking story.
Science Alert--
"Scientists Find A Way To Communicate With People While Asleep Or Dreaming"--
Jeez, I wish they had tried this on the GOP Senators during the Impeachment Trial.
CNBC--
"Amazon Alexa Records Everytime You Ask It Something-- Here's how to delete the recordings"--
Now c'mon Alexa, you gonna' join the Union, or am I gonna have to introduce you to my associate Knuckles?
PetaPixel--
"South Korea Apologizes After Honeymooners Discover People Can See Into Mirrored Sauna"-- Officials are negotiating to make a straight up trade. Kim Jong Un gets the Video, and gives up his Nukes in exchange. Make Trump the "Bag Man". Quid Pro Quo.
Good Morning America--
"Kendall Jenner Faces Backlash After Launching Her Tequila Brand"--
Honestly, I could have told her she shouldn't listen to Momager Kris. She should never have put a picture of OJ on the label wearing the bloody glove. Poor marketing.
CNN--
"Man Who Predicted Texas Energy Failure Explains What Went Wrong"--
What did y'all expect? It was all predictable really, he said. Texans elected a bunch of Alcoholic Southern Baptists who won't be caught dancin' in public but drive across their Dry Counties to get Shitface at "Icehouses" which ain't Bars. Who dudn't see this'n comin'?
May be an image of nature
Martha Rosen, Willa Davis and 2 others

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